Laughing at Myself
by emoDlolita
Summary: Haku x Zabuza A look into a complicated relationship. Haku and Zabuza are attacked... what secrets will this event yield? yaoi slightOOC slightAU
1. Fires

Laughing At Myself  
  
emoDlolita  
  
Pairing: Haku x Zabuza, Naruto x Sasuke, Gaara x Sasuke, Kakashi x Naruto  
  
Rating: PG-13 (possibly R in later chapter)  
  
Notes: For this, the ages have been changed just for the hell of it k? I don't own Naruto and any of the other characters and such. This is a YAOI fic, meaning that there is boy x boy action. It's written in various POVs.   
  
Chapter 1: Fires   
  
The crackle of the campfire shook me awake. It was in the middle of the night. Crickets chirped all around us and the smell of burning embers filled our noses. He didn't speak and neither did I. He eyed me out of the corner of his eyes and then looked away before poking at the fire gently. The flames jumped upwards and licked the side of the stick he was using to prod the fire.   
  
A gentle wind blew through the trees and it ruffled my hair slightly. I didn't move. I didn't like to move when I didn't have to. I could hear my own breathing... slow and balanced. I was sure he could here it too. The mask I usually wore was cast aside to my right. I liked to hide behind it. He liked to hide behind one too.   
  
But I was the only one who ever saw what was beneath it. He looked at me again and I could feel his eyes move over me. The bandages he wore were wrapped loosely around his neck, exposing his mouth and the rest of his face. That was what was behind his mask...   
  
"It's late..." he said quietly. Simply. I looked over at him from where I was sitting on a tree stump. I nodded and went back to staring at the fire. It reminded me of his eyes. The red and orange danced around on top of the blackening wood. Their arms moved around their heads, and they danced to invisible and inaudible music.   
  
"I'm going to sleep." he stated coldly.   
  
With that, he slumped off of the rock he was using as a chair and grabbed a blanket out of his sack. He settled down on the soft dirt floor in front of the fire. The blanket layed gently on top of his scared body. He had his back turned to me... but I knew his eyes weren't closed. They never were. I recalled the way he looked at me. I could never quite figure out what he was trying to say to me. Even if he told me verbally what he wanted... his eyes would contradict his words and I would smile and do what he told me to.  
  
I did everything he said. Kill, fight, bleed... die. He would insult me and call me worthless. I knew he didn't mean it. He needed me and I needed him. We were a team... I knew I was still being used after all of these years, but I knew he would silently apologize every time I killed someone.   
  
My eyes began to droop and I could feel the scent of rain on the air. It was very distinctive, like flowers crushed between to stones then thrown into a puddle. It was fresh and wet, just like rain. A rain to wash everything away.  
  
It wasn't for another hour or so that it started to actually rain. It slide off of the leaves of the trees high above us. I was still sitting in the same place. He didn't move. I knew he wasn't asleep though. His body moved as he breathed and the blanket became spotted as the rain hit it.  
  
"Zabuza-san..." I breathed, getting up slowly and walking over to where his 'sleeping' form was. He didn't move, but I knew he heard me. I knelt down behind him, his back still facing me.   
  
He rolled over slowly, his arm resting on his chest. The rain crashed against our bodies and I could fell the ground shake as a low rumble of thunder crawled through the ground. He eyed me cautiously then sat up.  
  
"What do you want...?" he said. He had removed the bandages exposing his neck. I could make out two round scars there from where I had "killed" him only a few days earlier.   
  
I looked at him in the face but then turned away.   
  
"Do... Do we have to go back to Gatou?" I asked quietly. I could now feel the wetness through my robes and I looked over to where my mask lay discarded by the now hissing fire. The yellow dancers had all died and a slow dance of mist began as the flames were blotted out by the rain.   
  
He looked at me intensely and I felt him move as he sat up.   
  
"No... we don't..." he said a rasp in his voice. His eyes were dark, the flames no longer reflecting themselves in them. I nodded and went back to face him.   
  
It was then that he did something I didn't expect. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me. My eyes widened as his muscular arms tightened around my soaking clothes. He was equally as wet and the skin of his shoulder was pressed against my cheek. I didn't ask why he did this... but he just held me for a while.   
  
"Haku." He whispered against my neck. I looked past his shoulder and was greeted with darkness in all directions. It was still raining and the sound of the drops echoed in the clearing.   
  
"Yeah?" I said.   
  
"Why haven't you left me already?" He asked again, the rasp now gone.   
  
This question caught me a little off guard and he fell silent.  
  
"Because I believe in you." I said, my own arms now fitting themselves loosely around his toned waist.   
  
I'm using you, you know..." he trailed off, at this he tightened his grip on me slightly and I closed my eyes.  
  
"I know... I don't mind."  
  
He asked me why.  
  
"Because as long as I can be with you... I don't mind being your weapon... Zabuza-san."  
  
'That's all I'll ever be... right?' I thought to myself as he leaned back. We fell to the ground and he pulled me with him. I couldn't see his face as he held me against him. The wet blanket followed me and he pressed his face against my neck.   
  
"Is it wrong to love a weapon?" He whispered.   
  
"No."   
  
The rain kept falling and the last thing I remembered was him kissing the top of my head.  
  
I fell asleep and didn't dream about anything in particular. I saw his face though.  
  
Okay so that was chapter one. There isn't much plot yet, I'm working on developing their characters. This story takes place after Haku and Zabuza initially fight Kakashi and naruto/Sasuke/Sakura. But it never goes into the whole Bridge thing. So this will ultimately end up being AU, as soon as I figure out where this is ultimately going.  
  
Comments please? Tell me what you think, k?  
  
This is my first Naruto fanfic. I'm trying!!  
  
THANK YOU!! ::hugs:: 


	2. Winds

Laughing at Myself By: emoDlolita aka Bethany M.  
  
Notes: Okay, I've changed my mind, for now this will be just Haku x Zabuza. I've decided on using the other pairings in different fictions, k? Once again, I don't own anything Naruto related.  
  
Chapter 2: Winds  
  
I woke up in the morning alone. The firepit we had built was nothing more than a circle of damp, charred wood. The sun was out, and birds were chirping, but everything was still wet from the rain the night before. I blinked a few times in the sunlight and then stumbled to my feet.  
  
My robes were still soaking and I noticed that Zabuza's clothing was discarded by his pack. I sighed and decided that I bath would be a nice start to the day. I took a cloth with me and headed off in the direction of the spring I had spotted while gathering wood for last nights fire.  
  
As the spring came into view I noticed that there was somebody there already...  
  
"Zabuza-san..." I whispered as I quickly hid behind a tree. 'Oh my god....' I thought frantically as I looked for a way to leave the area with out being noticed. 'He's... na-' I quickly shook my head as images of a naked Zabuza crawled into my head.  
  
I felt my cheeks go red and I knew that I had to get out of there. I quickly found a route of trees that would cover me, and I darted from out behind the tree I was currently hiding behind and quickly made my way back to our camp site.  
  
'Maybe I'll have a bath later...' I quickly changed my clothing while Zabuza wasn't around. I didn't know why the thought of Zabuza-san naked was so disturbing to me all of a sudden... It wasn't as if I hadn't seen him like that before... I sighed and hung up my wet robes. Thinking these things would only bring trouble in the end, so I quickly pushed them out of my head.  
  
After I had hung up my laundry, I sat down at the base of a tree and began to read a book. I don't remember when I got it, but I remember that Zabuza- san gave it to me. I can still remember everything that he's ever done to me... it's so clear that it's as if it was really happening again.  
  
I remember being in a far away land. It was sunny, and I was feeling really happy. We were not on a mission, and he was acting uncharacteristically good natured. We had happened to walk into the marketplace, and he took me aside and we ducked into a small shop. It was a small bookstore and he went to the front of the shop to talk to the shopkeeper.  
  
While he did, I spotted a book, and I picked it up. It was old, and the cover was worn out a bit. It was sky blue, and there was a flower on the cover. I didn't know what the flower was, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It had long petals, and the petals were purple and pink. The colors of the flower itself were incredible to me. I opened it and looked at the first page.  
  
It was yellowed, and there were nicks taken out of the edges of the paper. The print was small, but very neat and it looked almost hand written. I read the first line...  
  
"I love him... but I don't think he loves me..." I was intrigued by this and continued on.  
  
"Sometimes, I cry at night because I think that no one can love me... but then he will smile at me and my heart will sing. Does he know how I feel about him? Does he know that I secretly love him with all my heart? I do not think that the pain I feel will ever heal..."  
  
Something inside of me burst and I could feel tears slip from my eyes. This was a book about me... yet, I didn't think it possible that anyone could have understood what I felt.  
  
"That's the story of Prince Kurayama..." a voice came from behind me. It was Zabuza-san. I looked up at him and closed the book instinctively. I looked away and sighed before placing the book back on the shelf.  
  
"Do you want it?" he asked, stepping a little closer to me, his hand resting on mine as it hovered near the bookshelf. I nodded, and he slipped the book out of my hands.  
  
He told me it was a present for being such a good boy... I don't think I believed him, but I was glad he had gotten it for me nonetheless.  
  
I was startled from my reverie when I head someone coming up along the path. I hid the book in the folds of my clothing.  
  
I hugged my knees to my chest and looked up just as Zabuza-san was coming back from the springs.  
  
"You still have that old thing?" he asked, eyeing me a little judgingly. I nodded and looked away. He shrugged and went to pack away his clothes from the night before. I pulled the book out of my clothes and opened it. I had read it over 15 times already... I started to read it in a random place... my favorite place.  
  
"He looked into my eyes and I didn't know what to do... He reached forward and caressed my face with his rough hands. It seemed so unreal that I closed my eyes and opened them again, expecting him to vanish into thin air like he did in my dreams. But when I opened them again, he was still there. He took a step closer to me and kissed my forehead. 'Why?' I asked him as I pulled away from me. I don't know why I pulled away, but I felt like something was wrong. 'Because I want you...' he said. He smiled at me and moved forward again to hold me. That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I closed my eyes, scared of what was happening. Wasn't this what I wanted? 'You don't love me then....?' I whispered as he slid the kimono I was wearing of my shoulders. He stopped after what I had said sunk in."  
  
I knew what happened next... the Prince starts to cry because he is unloved, then his lover Mitsuki tells him he loves him then they are happy.  
  
I looked over to Zabuza-san and closed the book. I didn't think my luck was going to be good luck. Somehow I didn't think Zabuza-san was ever going to say something like that to me.  
  
I stood up and dropped the book on my own sack before grabbing a towel and wash cloth from beside it.  
  
"I'm going to take a bath now..." I said to no one in particular. He grunted and I headed off to the springs. By now it was mid day and I was a little hungry, but I wanted to clean up first. Once I got to the springs I shed my robes and pants. I undid the hair tie that was hold my long black locks up in a tight bun. I removed the beaded accessories and the clasps that I usually wore in the front. Lastly, I removed my head band.  
  
I neatly folded my clothes and stepped into the clear cool water. There was a tiny waterfall near the far end of the spring. I submerged myself in the water and paddled over the waterfall. Once there, I gently washed my hair then I washed my body. It always felt good taking a bath.  
  
As soon as I got to my lower regions, I started thinking about Zabuza-san... the way he smiled at me, the way he would have random outburst of affection and the way he would reject me every time...  
  
Just thinking about his face made me get a little excited. I could feel my manhood start to harden and I closed my eyes, wondering what it would be like to have Zabuza-san hold me again. This thought didn't help matters much and so I did what every other normal teenage boy would do in this situation.  
  
After I was done, I swam back to shore and dried myself off before getting back into my robes.  
  
It was dinner time by the time I got back and Zabuza-san was already cooking something on a newly born fire. I blushed at the thought of what I had done an hour earlier. I set my stuff down and sat across from him not looking at him.  
  
I couldn't bring myself to look at his face.  
  
But yet, I could still feel his dark eyes on me...  
  
I sighed and decided to call it an early night. I reached over for my own blanket and lay down on the soft earth, pulling the blanket with me. I closed my eyes and sleep quickly took me over.  
  
I slept without dreams for the thousandth time since meeting Zabuza... But some time in the middle of the night I was aware of someone watching me. I knew it was him, and so I kept sleeping, his eyes fixed on me...  
  
Okay, so there's a chapter two... hehe... please let me know what you think.   
  
The book will play a major role later on so, just bear with it, k? 


	3. Waters

**Laughing at Myself Chapter 3**  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or the characters. Once again, this is a yaoi fanfiction featuring Haku and Zabuza.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Waters  
**  
I woke up the next morning to fog. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, considering where I came from. I looked around, but Zabuza was no where to be found. I shakily rose to my feet, and pulled out clean clothing. I changed in silence, replacing my hitai-ate and grabbed an apple to eat for breakfast.  
  
I sat down and began another fire.  
  
It wasn't bright out, nor was it dark. The clouds cast odd shadows and the fog crept toward me like an invisible predator hunting for its prey.  
  
I thought about Zabuza and his mist techniques... I though of him creeping up on me, but that didn't really make any sense. I shook my head, as the small flames began to leap higher into the air. It was interesting how calm everything was, considering the weather conditions. It looked as if a thunder storm could break out at any minute.  
  
This thought scared me because I did not like thunder. Lightning didn't bother me, it was the thunder that was frightening. I prayed that the weather would not turn to that, and I continued taking small bites out of my apple.  
  
It wasn't until later that I heard footsteps in the shadows.  
  
But they weren't Zabuza's...  
  
I knew this because Zabuza always just appeared... I could hear these. It wasn't him. I reached for some of my needles and my mask. I slowly moved toward where I thought a tree was. Just as my fingers brushed against the bark, my eyes adjusted and I leapt upward and into the coverage of the trees.  
  
I watched as a dark figure moved to where the fire was. Because the fire was now larger, I could clearly see who was standing there. It was one of Gatou's henchmen. He was tall and muscular. He wore hitai-ate, but I knew from past experiences with him that he was a missing-nin.  
  
I crouched down a little more, making absolutely sure that I was not going to be heard. It was then that I threw three needles. All three of them struck exactly where I wanted them to; one in the jugular vein, one at the base of the spinal chord and one where the brain stem met the spinal column.  
  
The body fell limp and tumbled to the ground.  
  
I slowly jumped down from the tree and approached the dead body. He was a scout for sure. I had suspected that Gatou would send someone to hunt Zabuza and myself down. He sent the wrong guy though... he was easy to kill. Or so I thought.  
  
I looked around the make sure there weren't any others, but the fog had grown thicker and I couldn't see where the trees started, and where the path leading away from the clearing was.  
  
I dared not move. If I couldn't see the enemy... then he couldn't see me. At that moment, I looked down and the body was gone. All that was left were my three needles. I realized the dangerous position that I was in and drew some more needles.  
  
"A clone..." I whispered, furrowing my brows as I tried to figure out what to do next.  
  
Unfortunately, I didn't see the scout and the next thing I felt was a sharp and hideously painful blow to my side. I felt the ground catch my body as I fell. Everything went black...  
  
"Haku..." someone was calling my name. I opened my eyes and Zabuza was sitting in a chair next to me. He was smiling and wearing rich looking clothing. Bright sunlight shone through a large white window. Thin curtains fluttered in the breeze and the warm sunlight bathed Zabuza in a gentle glow. He smiled at me and reached toward me. His hand pulled away and in it was a book. I must have fallen asleep while reading again. I looked at him then at the ceiling.  
  
He made a 'tsk tsk' sound and set the book on a nearby table. He got up and walked to a cart by the door of the room. There was a jug of lemonade on it and some glasses with ice in them. He poured the faint yellow liquid into each glass and returned to where I was laying on a couch.  
  
But instead of sitting on the chair, he perched himself on the side of the couch. The brown vest he was wearing was decorated with gold thread. The pattern ran up his chest and to the collar where it formed two dragons, one on each side of the article of clothing. The baggy white shirt he wore underneath was opened slightly, and his flawless skin could be seen.  
  
I blushed and sat up as he handed me the glass. He looked at me and began to speak.  
  
"You know... Haku... this lemonade reminds me of your smile." I was silent, not really seeing the parallel in his comment. He sensed my confusion and explained further. "Well, it's yellow. And yellow is a happy color. Your smile is yellow... because it's happy. And that's how they are alike."  
  
I understood and nodded slightly as I took a sip of my lemonade. It was sour and I made a face. I heard him giggle slightly, which I found very uncharacteristic of him. He leaned in a little closer. "You're cute Haku..." He paused then touched my face.  
  
"Is it sour?" He asked. I nodded again and with that he leaned in a little further. His lips where a mere centimeter's away from mine and I could feel his warm breath wash across my face. His eyes began to close. As did mine.  
  
He whispered my name.  
  
"Haku."  
  
I waited for the kiss.  
  
"Haku?"  
  
It hadn't come yet.  
  
"Haku!!"  
  
I was suddenly aware of hands on my shoulders as I opened my eyes. Everything was blurry and a stab of pain wracked through my body. As things came into focus, I saw Zabuza-san's hard face looking down at me.  
  
I blinked... the dream was still vivid in my mind. It reminded me of one o the chapters from my book.  
  
"Are you alright?" The real, living breathing Zabuza-san asked me as he lifted my back up. He moved me into a sitting position. I winced as he touched my side. He mumbled something incoherently before turning to a dead body behind him. He tore off some of the fabric of the man's shirt.  
  
I was still speechled... and I was still confused.  
  
"What h-happened?" I whispered.  
  
He remained silent for a few moments then began to speak.  
  
"One of Gatou's scouts came to hunt us down. I was getting something for us to eat and when I returned he had already wounded you. You were unconscious but I took care of him. Don't worry." The occurrences of earlier came flooding back to me.  
  
I remembered waiting in the tree... then coming down and then his body disappearing. Then al I remembered was pain.  
  
"Take your kimono and shirt off." He said coldly as he eyed me.  
  
I looked at him puzzled.  
  
"Well... if you want me to bandage your wounds... then take your kimono and shirt off..." he sounded a little exasperated, but I obeyed.  
  
I reached for the sash around my waist and unwound it. My kimono fell open and I slid it off of my shoulders, careful not to irritate my wounds. I moved to take off my shirt when another searing pain shot through me. I looked at Zabuza-san then away from him as I let my arm fall limply beside me.  
  
I think he got the message when he moved in front of me and grabbed the hem of my shirt. He pulled it up and stopped as he saw my side. I knew it must look awful. I didn't even know what weapon had caused the injury. He shook his head slightly then gently moved my arms out of the sleeve holes. The fabric got lifted up and over my head and I looked down at my own injury.  
  
There was a large gash where my ribs were on the right side and the cut continued onto the back of my right arm as well. The bleeding hadn't stopped quite yet, and I could feel it as it worked itself down my back and sides. It hurt a lot.  
  
Zabuza-san looked at me and sighed.  
  
"I need to clean it. I don't want you dying on me..." he got up and walked away. By now I had noticed that the mist had cleared a bit and I could see a little bit better.  
  
What I saw horrified me.  
  
There were five dead bodies strewn about the place. I thought there had only been one. But then again... why would Gatou only send one when he knew he was dealing with Zabuza-san. The bodies were all laying face down. One of them was half in a bush and the others were cast onto the ground like abandoned flowers after a funeral procession.  
  
Blood seeped from various wounds and puddle around their still forms. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I had seen carnage like this before... but something about this situation was different. It made me feel uneasy.  
  
I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as the pain in my side grew more. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I had held back the tears so many times before. I knew that I couldn't stop myself. I knew that if I did I'd go crazy.  
  
So I cried. As I sat there and bled, pain washing over my body in a constant wave of white, I cried. Tears ran freely down my face. I held my hands up in order to try and hide the fact I was crying. I didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable I was.  
  
I didn't want Zabuza-san to see how childish I was.  
  
But I couldn't stop. I curled up into a ball and hugged my knees, despite the excruciating pain. I bit it back as I sobbed into the soft fabric of my pants. I hurt. At that moment I realized that my heartache was greater than the wound on my side. The pain in my heart was more unbearable than the feel of blood freely flowing from an open wound. Why did I always hurt so much?  
  
I don't understand why I hurt so much on the inside.  
  
I felt someone coming down the path and I knew that this time it was Zabuza-san. I wiped madly at my eyes and tried to cover up my tears.  
  
He approached with a large bowl of water. Once he arrived by my side, he sat down next to me. Using the fabric he had ripped off of the nearest dead body, he washed the cuts on my side. I winced and bit back the urge to scream. He looked into my face as I winced away from his touch.  
  
He stared at me with his black and cold eyes. I looked away. I think he knew that I knew that he knew I had been crying. He didn't say anything and went back to washing the gash.  
  
The bowl of water slowly grew red with my blood and once he was done washing it, he reached back to the body and ripped off some more cloth. He reached around me and tightly wrapped the black cloth around me chest. After he deemed the wound to be covered, he tied a knot in the cloth and reached for another strip to wrap my arm in. Once he had done the same to my arm he sat back and looked at me again.  
  
I again averted his gaze and held back the pain... in my heart and in my side. I never told him how much I was always in pain.  
  
Just like how the Prince in my book never told anyone about how much pain he was always in. I inwardly smirked through the pain at how similar me and the Prince were in my book.  
  
My thoughts were cut short when Zabuza-san began to speak.  
  
"Why were you crying?" he asked quietly. I had never heard him talk like that before. I remained silent, not wanting to answer. "Do the bodies bother you?" I shook my head. I was lying. He knew I was. He got up and moved the bodies somewhere further into the woods where we wouldn't have to see or smell them. Once he came back he sat in front of the fire pit and began another fire.  
  
I hadn't moved.  
  
"I'm not going to push, but if want to tell me... you can." It amazed me that he actually wanted to know. I reach for my clothing but he stopped. His hand grasped at mine. His look hardened and he slowly let me go.  
  
"You shouldn't put your clothes back on. It will irritate your injury." He reached behind him to where his pack was. He pulled out a dark green blanket and placed it around my shoulders. "Here."  
  
I felt myself blush slightly.  
  
Then there was silence.  
  
Then my mouth moved of it's own free will and words came out. The forbidden question.  
  
"Have you ever cried?" I whispered.  
  
He didn't face away from the growing fire.  
  
"Only once." And that was all he said to me.

* * *

End of chapter 3  
  
Okay so that was a little weird and very long but oh well. Heheh. Hope you all liked it! R and R please! And thanks to all who have already commented! I thank you! 

::huggles::

emoDlolita


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